I picked up Empire of Ash just over a week ago in a charity shop in London. I was immediately interested as it was one of those rarest of beasts, a post-apocalyptic wasteland movie that I had never heard of. A tagline of 'The magic of the Road Warrior is back' and a Italian style over-the-top box immediately shot it to the top of my 'to watch' pile, a pile that is tall enough to wobble every time someone walks past. Unfortunately, in this instance the film was not all I had hoped for. Sure it's a guaranteed wasteland adventure, but there's something seriously not right about this film and I expect that after watching it you will be left with more questions than answers.

The film does have a few things going for it, however, so I should mention them before we get down to the dirty job of dismembering the plot. Despite the lack of budget it doesn't look too cheap. Sure the sets are mostly abandoned buildings in the middle of nowhere, but the vehicles and costumes seem pretty good. On top of that, there are plenty of actors to fill the screen. Now, I use the word actor in the loosest sense of the word, as nobody here stands out as a master of the art, but everybody seems to believe in what they are doing, even if we don't. Also there's quite a lot of action, nothing hugely impressive but I guess it's the main selling point of the movie. Finally, there are a few inventive camera shots and edits. Most are rushed and plain, but every now and then a shot pops up that seems to belong in another, more energetic, movie.

On with the plot then. Welcome to New Idaho, ruled by a militaristic and religious bunch of barbarians. We start off following a group of these barbarians, led by a crazy preacher. Through a voice-over the preacher informs us that sanctuary from the madness of Idahois available to the north, yet the law is that anybody trying to leave is to be killed. What actually happens is, if they see you, you're killed, regardless of if you're hiking to the north or simply going about your merry business. Therefore, it's pretty obvious that everybody wants to move north. The Barbarians travel down a newly-laid road shooting down anybody they notice in the trees and listening to their propaganda radio. At the same time there's another gang to be feared. Unlike the leather-clad, steely black truck-driving gang, these are more like scavengers, all dressed in mucky white ponchos and DIY breathing masks. Cannon fodder for both the Barbarians and the good guys. 

After the Preacher has introduced us to the law of the land, we find ourselves following a young woman and her Granddad who are resting by a stream. The scavengers are sneaking up to attack but the Barbarians turn up and a fight breaks out. The scavengers are no match for the Barbarians so the fight is soon over and the Barbarians are celebrating by lighting their cigarettes on a flaming severed leg (honestly). Granddad is killed, and the woman is taken captive, yet not for the usual PA reasons (i.e. rape and slave labour). They test her blood and find that she doesn't have any antibodies. Strangely, this is a good thing. As the film goes on, if you concentrate enough, you might get to work out the reason for all this barbarianism. I think, although this isn't 100%, that there was some kind of virus or plague, and as there were only a few survivors, the scum and the preacher managed to take over. The blood of the 'still pure' is valuable, for a reason we will go into later, if we really must. 

Surely there is an easier way to light a cigarette?

Gramps liked a drink or two.

Anyhow, thus starts a running theme in the movie. People capturing each other. Next on the list is the young woman’s sister. She had been off for a walk or maybe a call of nature, but when she returns, she finds gramps dead and sister gone. Off to the woods she heads and to her hidden stash of weapons. Soon enough though, up sneaks the hero of the movie and takes her captive. Note that I am not using names (again) as they are never really apparent. I tried matching characters with credits but had no luck.

The Hero takes her for a drive in his jeep, but they are soon attacked by the poncho-wearing scavengers, who are easily defeated by The Hero, despite his slouchy attitude. Surviving such a close brush with death soon makes the two good friends. That night the woman heads off for a topless shower by a tiny natural waterfall, although the steam indicates that it's probably not as natural as the filmmakers would like us to believe. While she's off in the woods again, the Scavengers turn up and kidnap The Hero. It really isn't her day. Meanwhile the Barbarians are driving around in their big truck shooting people. There seems to be a couple of groups of Barbarians. One is lead by the Preacher and another lead by a big-haired woman scantily clad in leather. They continue to listen to their 'praise the lord' radio station and capture people without antibodies.

Cut to the sex scene. Obviously The Hero is happy to have been saved, but he must not have got his energy back because this is the most robotic, bland scene ever. 

Meanwhile, the Barbarians have driven up to a car crash where all the passengers are dead apart from one tiny girl, who seems to be holding the scalp of one of her parents. The Barbarians stand around for a while, then one kills the child. The filmmakers obviously wanted this to be significant in some way but it was pretty pointless and over-the-top.

Now we meet two new characters. Both are ex-army survivalist types in their 50's, lazing around playing croquet and darts. A different group of the Barbarians turn up, but the survivalists have the whole area set up with mines and weapons. Bizarrely, they have a talking computer that plays video games, although I think it was intended to represent a computer-generated view of their land. They soon blow up the Barbarians and decide to celebrate by getting drunk. That night, another group of Barbarians turns up and catches them with no problems. That’s another capturing for the list. Who sent them in is unknown.

Name that game.

Back at the Barbarians base (a shed) the big-haired woman is complaining about politics or something, but the guy she's talking to certainly isn’t listening as all she's wearing is some leather straps and knickers (like on the box cover). Soon he leaves and she decides to dance to the moon. Yep, that’s right, she has a little dance so we can see as much as possible, just like in real life.... Back at the survivalists' camp, the two guys escape via the most ridiculous method, that involves getting the guard drugged. At this point a few things just start getting mad. The Preacher is busy baptizing women with buckets of water and The Hero captures the survivalists. It soon turns out that the hero is the son of the survivalists' best friend from the war (yeah, right) and they all team up.  At the same time the Barbarians are trying out their new weapon, a hat with a missile on it. Oh yes.

The final showdown is finally here. The Hero pretends to have captured the main woman and bluffs his way into the Barbarians base. They find the womans sister and try to escape. The Hero blows a hole in the Preacher's chest (the first time I cheered in the movie) and they drive off. They are soon pinned down by all the Barbarians, but just before it's too late, the two survivalists turn up in their big truck to the sound of Steppenwolf, and start firing rockets at the Barbarians. Soon all the Barbarians are dead, although we will never know what happened to the big-haired woman. Maybe she’s in the sequel (that’s right, a sequel). The group celebrates and starts to drive off, very slowly. Slowly enough for a surviving Barbarian to aim at the truck with his missile hat! Bizarrely the missile malfunctions and he just walks off dejected. Mad. Thats how the movie ends!

It apears Steppenwolf survived the apocalypse.

What on earth was the hat all about?