Ok, here we go…

A most-helpful voice-over guy tells us that WWIII was fought with robots and nukes. It was nasty, apparently, and most all humans have either been killed or driven deep into hiding. Now the robots rule the devastated land.

All the robots in this movie look exactly like humans (Terminator rip-off or massive cost-saving attempt, you pick) and the only way you can tell them from real live humans is by listening to the sounds they make. With every movement of their limbs, a “robotic whirring” sound is foleyed into the soundtrack, hammering into us that these are NOT human actors, but ROBOTS! The robots also tend to dress like Eastern European gangsters, which I guess is fine, if you like Eastern European gangster robots. Myself, I prefer my robots to look like Tricia Helfer the Cylon from Battlestar Galactica...

Now that’s a robot…

General note to military robotics engineers of the future: If you are going to build killer robots, please, please, please do not make them look like regular humans and outfit them with adaptable personality programs. That only encourages them to find feelings and love and stuff and eventually take over and rule your shabby remnants with a literal iron fist. Instead, I humbly suggest, you make all military robots large and dumb and easy to spot. I recommend the Combine Mark VI Ogre...

Go for the treads!

We hear that once the pesky humans all run off, the robots “formed gangs” and started fighting each other. Well, that makes zero sense, especially with robots. Monkeys, sure, maybe even prairie dogs, but robots? This movie would have worked just as fine if they had regular humans instead of dorkyass robots doing all the action. Why robots? I hate robots. I can’t even get my laptop to work half the time, why would I trust my species’ survival to robots?

As well, we learn that there are no guns left on the planet! And the robots are always wandering around looking for guns! What? They are super-smart robot killing machines, just make more guns! And how the hell do you “run out of guns” anyway? There are more firearms in one county in Texas to last a thousand years of post-apocalyptic slaughter. This movie already done set me in a mood.

Anyway, we open our movie proper in the scenic city of “Buena Park, California”, which looks amazingly like Bratislava, Slovakia in February. The reason why Buena Park, California looks like Bratislava, Slovakia is that it actually is Bratislava, Slovakia, only with an artfully weathered sign that says “Buena Park, California” bolted to a cinder block wall in the background of one shot. How, you ask, do they pass off the drab, Soviet-era concrete buildings and Hapsburg-era cobblestone streets as a generally sunny and bright ville of Southern California? Why, through the ingenious plot device of the “theme park” with an “Old World Europe Land” attraction! How lame can you get? Why didn’t you just set your movie in Slovakia? Why try and force us to believe this is California? Because your target audience is mostly dumb Americans? Probably.

Deathlands Dean -

This is my first movie review, not a full movie but 21 minutes and 55 seconds of the lackluster, post-apocalyptic, robot filled Omega Doom by Albert Pyun.

As I started watching this movie I was looking forward to some good old fashioned robot-cyborg action that we have seen in other Pyun movies, like Cyborg, Knights and Nemesis but this was not be the case, what I really was watching was a robot version of A Fistfull of Dollars.

As Nate laid out all the main charters (and did a great job as usual) the story so far follows our lone stranger coming into the amusement-park, which I might add I did not see one roller-coaster or merry-go-round anywhere. 

After Omega starts playing both sides of the gangs, we finally get into some action. After Marko, the resident bully, has had his fill of beating the crap out of the Head, he decides to have a stand-off with Omega. Now we have to remind ourselves that there is not one single gun left around after the war, so I'm thinking they will probably have a staring contest. Then bam! Omega whips out his energy shank and it’s all over for Marko.

And that just about wraps up the action for the first half of the movie, and where my disappointment sets in. With the story-line going nowhere and not much in the way of robots fighting, at least we have some pretty good actors to pick things up and give this movie an edge. Rutger Hauer has been in a ton of movies and played a killer cyborg in Blade Runner, and most of the other actors have been in Albert Pyun movies before, but this still doesn't help.

Now there are some very cool things in this movie that I have never seen before. First is the setting and I'm not talking about the amusement park but the post-apocalyptic nuclear winter that they are in. It’s cold and you can tell because every time someone talks you can see their breath, and the sky is overcast throughout the movie with a light covering of snow over everything, which I think helps with the PA feel to the movie that you don't always see. It has some nice cinematography, which you always get with Albert Pyun. So at this point I will gladly hand over the reins to the next reviewer. And hopefully you will think the movie is better than my review.

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Troy aka Digitalgodd -

I was lucky enough to get to review a part of Omega Doom that actually had a couple scenes of action. Now, if you have sat through this much of Omega Doom then you should be proud of yourself that you stayed awake enough to get to the action scenes. I guess this movie is one of those films that critics in Hollywood would call a “sleepy action film“. As a self-proclaimed PA Guru, I would have to say that this PA film ranks at the bottom of my list of favorites...Anyways, on to the review...

My section of this film ran from 41:56 to 55:32...

Here we are again in the wastelands cantina. The barmaid has a moment of introspective narration while fondling her snow globe as Omega Doom takes a delicious glass of water on the rocks to spasming head guy.

After all this time we finally get to see the cache of guns...What! The guns are hidden in the bar wall! But don't get too excited yet because the huge stockpile of guns that the Roms and Droids were looking for seems to be one Wild West-era six shot revolver with 5 bullets...

Omega Doom starts to play both sides against each other. Omega is having a shady meeting with the super-model killing machines, the Roms. They talk smack about the Droids and have a good chuckle from that. Omega and the Roms strike up a deal to have one of the Roms go with Omega so they can ambush the Droids and have the “guns“ for themselves. The Roms suspect Omega of treachery but they send one of their trio, Ironface, with Omega.

Now for a quick jaunt through the wreckage of EuroDisney for Omega and Ironface. Cut to braids droid, her lackey and a guy with a metal wrestling mask. They also suspect Omega of playing both sides, but they think they can outsmart Omega. The Droids are planning to ambush both the Roms and Omega/Ironface. After some more annoying whirring robot sounds the lackey droid and mask droid are whacked by the remaining two Roms.

Now a quick panning shot of Chernobyl and back to Omega and Ironface looking for guns in an old warehouse. Ironface has some tough words for Omega and threatens to whack him also. Queue the dramatic mandolin music as we get ready for an old fashioned western duel.

Now here is where I don't understand why the Roms and Droids need the guns. They seem to have these plasma boomerangs that can tear a hole through a cyborg. Ironface arms her boomerang and lets it fly at Omega. Omega dodges this easily and hits Ironface with his own plasma boomerang and blows a hole in her stomach area.

Braids droid enters with some slow congratulatory claps. She whips her coat open to show her plasma boomerang and gives Omega a dirty look. Queue another duel. Make your move lady and don't mess up your perfectly manicured braids. Ow, that hurt, I didn't even see that coming. Braids droid is down and the hole in her stomach spills out old telephone and audio cables made to look like cyborg guts. I'm dying and have no understanding of emotions, but I want to sit here and reminisce while watching the sun set.

We get a couple of minutes of whirring robot sounds and dramatic looks from all gangs involved as Omega makes his way back to meet the Roms in the wastelands bar. The Roms are having second thoughts about finding the guns. I would leave the guns too if I had one of those plasma boomerangs. The Roms make plans to take Omega out when he gets back to the bar. So this Rom walks into a bar and says give me a double shot of that water, hold the ice...(bad joke). The Rom leader is at the bar and gives out more threats to the frumpy housewife droid barmaid. The Rom leader is asking about Omega but the barmaid keeps her steel mouth shut.

Omega finds The Head droid sitting in a doorway trying to rewire his useless body. Omega offers to take The Head shopping through all the cyborg corpses lying around to find him a new body...don't forget your post nuke Visa, Omega. While The Head tries to tie boards to his legs so that he can keep the spasms down, he tells Omega to leave town to save his own hide. But, of course Omega won't leave, he has to go back to the bar for some water on ice.

The Rom leader Zinc, I know, what a stupid name for a cyborg, is waiting in the bar for Omega.

And that ends my section of the film that I had to review. Now, if I was you the reader, I would just read this review and skip ever watching this film, because it is an hour and a half of your life you will never get back.

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Vulthoom -

We have reached the end of the line. Rutger Hauer finds the two Roms holding the barkeep/nannybot hostage. A soft golden light pervades the room from no discernable source. It's a nice touch and brings a romantic Merchant-Ivory period piece flair to this otherwise dour tale. However, do not make the mistake of thinking your wife or girlfriend would want to see this.

There is an air of detached menace whenever the villains speak. In truth I would rather their voices were like raspy-throated film noir femme fatales rather than that of over-synthesized female body builders. There is no one else to stand in their way except an aging Dutch robot. He dares them to kill her with cold disdain and they promptly fling her across the room.

A confusing fight sequence ensues involving the Rom leader and Rutger using their laser CGI graphics flingers that also look like daggers. He can dodge these missiles with lightening reflexes, which belie his 52 years. This doesn't stop him from being run through with said weapon. The point is broken off in his back and he collapses to The floor so fast you'd think his warranty expired.

I am convinced that the makers of this movie have only read descriptions of the science fiction movies they ripped off and have never actually seen one. They sprinkle hi-tech sounding phrases in the dialogue that are ridiculously inappropriate, such as using the word "morph" to describe the reattachment of a head to a body.

As near as I can tell all the animosity between the opposing sides is based on what version of robot one is. The 2.5's look with disdain on the trenchcoated 2.0’s (much like Mac users!). There is no mention of whose side they were on in the epic apocalyptic war that destroyed the world and it doesn't seem to matter. Rutger is called a hybrid at one point and I can only assume this has something to do with being in league with humans. Weren't all robots programmed by and fighting for humans to begin with? It boggles the mind.

This movie has no internal logic and frankly my brain shut down. I don't know what happened to the Tiki-faced Droid or the 80s new-waver one. The Head went from being a masochist begging to be kicked around on the ground to caring about the outcome of the pathetic tiff affecting only a ruined theme park village.

The bartender attempts to save Rutger by waving an empty horse pistol at the Goth Bobsey twins. They wind up talking and she reveals how she found this gun. We are now told that the cache of firearms has been here all along. The acting isn't good enough to know if she is bluffing or not. She specifies that she "dredged" this gun up when digging the well. If anything, robots should know that water and machinery do not mix, but maybe some of their circuits were fried from the EMPs. I don't even know why regular guns are needed when they have electro-boomerang guns.

Someone eventually pulls the prong out of Rutger and he deactivates Katinka permanently. The remaining Rom doesn't care enough one way or the other to avenge her death. With the lead Heather gone and with only one robot clique left in town, she joins the Droids. Or rather stands in the bar with them.

I would rather not defend this movie, but the behavior of the robots in general is much like NPCs in a video game. They will stand around forever waiting for someone to come along and will do nothing unless triggered by their limited AI programming. If you look at it like that then the shallow tough talk and dialogue with no substance makes a lot of sense. The robots follow through on their limited goals relentlessly even though it would seem insane to humans. They are only following the pathways of their logic circuits as best as they can with limited data.

I would give this movie 1 out of 10. This is only because it is a fascinating look at robots gone amok with no one to turn them off. As a human my overall impression is that watching it makes doing taxes seem fun in comparison.

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Michael -

Right. Hands up all those who are still following the plot. Anybody? C'mon, somebody must have at least half a clue what's happening? It's not like the story is complicated, it’s actually overly simple, it's just that this film is full to the rafters with confusing and pointless little interactions that are not needed.

I’m going to try my best to wrap up the remaining few minute of plot in the quickest, most humane way possible, which should leave me with just enough time to insult the film a little before the end of the review.

The final fight between Omega and Kantinka was actually pretty rubbish, but after watching a film so starved of battle it actually seemed quite good. The fact is it was not. I just skipped straight to that point to go over my part of the review again and it was dull, dull, dull. Omega removes Katinka’s head and thus Omega’s mate Head bot gets himself a new body. This time the legs aren’t flailing all over so he’s pretty pleased, he doesn’t even seem to mind the fact that he now has breasts.

Head, the barmaid and the remaining Rom team up, and despite their fear of the supposedly returning humans they seem quite cheerful. They have a friend to look after them, so what’s there to worry about? Omega can do anything!

To reinforce the “new beginnings” vibe, Omega is busy outside watching a bird of prey circle in the sky. Oh how nice, life is returning to Slovakia. Oh, sorry, California. When asked about the humans he finally comes clean and tells the trio that the humans are too busy rebuilding the world to worry about a few robots (phew, that’s a weight off my mind). With his job done he heads off into the distance like any good self-respecting post-apocalyptic hero, this time to find “more friends”. We lucky viewers get to enjoy a short rendition of “Joy to the World” from the barmaid bot. It’s so emotional and meaningful I could just weep. 

Omega then heads off into the crappy sunset, leaving the Braided droid to enjoy the last few minutes of her robotic life. A voiceover tells us all that Omega is “now different”. Don’t ask me how because I don’t know. Don’t care either. Credits time? Nope, time for another voiceover, this time a poetic quote. Wahoo, high culture in a psychotic robot film that had no action. You gotta love it.

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So now for the promised insults, which Omega should take home to his parents. Mr. Pyun, as Omega’s father and guardian, you should take heed:

Your son Omega stinks. He obviously hasn’t washed in a month and although that doesn’t necessarily affect his performance I can see that it is affecting his popularity. It’s off-putting to me and all the other viewers. He’s extremely lazy and despite numerous chances has failed in all aspects to impress me. It took nearly half an hour of the term before he made his first move and despite a long build-up it was utterly disappointing. It was obvious that he was waiting for the end of term to hand in all his work, as so many other students of his background do, but the last ten minutes were also a disappointment. Due to his poor behaviour, I regret to inform you that we can no longer hold him back a year as no viewers here will agree to supervise him for another hour and a half session. Mr. Pyun I know you had high hopes that your child would go on to bear a sequel but this is now about as possible as my thumb bursting into flame on demand. I recommend that Omega be assigned to the dustiest corner of the attic and if anybody asks about him you should act like they are crazy and you don’t know what on earth they are talking about.